LP's Diagnosis:
As I sat in front of those team of doctors I spoke of while writing "About P" , 7 months pregnant, they very begrudgingly informed me about the famous statistic, "Once you have a child with Autism, the risk for any child you have thereafter goes up significantly." I think back then it was figured at something ridiculously high such as "Once you have a child with Autism, future offspring are 95% more likely to develop it as well."
I looked at the doctors, told them I was well aware of that fact - but I preferred to realize there was at least still 5% chance he could be completely 'normal' (neurotypical would later be the word I would have used).
When he wasn't even 2 years old yet? He used to rock in his high chair so hard, he would do it in his car seat too - to the point you could feel the car moving at stoplights. I can't lie to you, it scared the crap out of me.....
Turns out, he's got some sensory integration issues, but other than that he is - ... WAS ... - my 'neurotypical' child overall.
He was diagnosed with Anxiety at the age of 4 however, later we would figure out - that having a Father, and two brothers on the spectrum - can ... well, make a neurotypical child feel like THEY don't fit in - especially when the only essentially neurotypical adult in the house had gone through training so extensively - I kept struggles to myself (and got therapy) - but I had basically trained myself to react with as little emotional affect in various scenarios - to LP ? He thought he was crazy for the way he felt.
He had to have been 6-7 when I found out? I took it incredibly hard, realizing that I had geared myself up for the world which my husband and two oldest existed in - so much in fact that I didn't exhibit some of the most 'natural' reactions - regarding the ways I felt sometimes. As a result? I felt like a failure not paying more attention to LP's needs.
Over the years there have been moments, where being what I've been for my family was so incredibly disheartening - loving so much to only be met with a surface value of depth in return - and that's if the ways I showed my unwavering love were even noticed. (My husband certainly didn't - and it's a big reason why I have to file for divorce - not only am I crushed he didn't see all the ways I selflessly strived to support him and love him UNCONDITIONALLY from a depth of my soul- it's worse than being taken for granted - because it wasn't even SEEN).
Anyhow, when LP told me that he just didn't think he fit in with the family and he couldn't wait to be 18 so he could move out and get away from them all? I realized not only had I been setting some sort of 'stone' example and not been feeding his heart - which was undoubtedly very much the same as mine, but I also hadn't taken time to educate him on what living with a family on the spectrum means, how it can affect those of us who have deeper emotional needs, and how ... I hate to say it - but at times it can just make you feel ... .Crazy...
After a long, hard cry - and beating myself up , I picked myself up - and said- "NO MORE!" And LP and I started an amazing journey full of love, acceptance, understanding and properly expressed frustration and sadness.
When the Trauma hit the fan, LP's whole existence essentially exploded. Until this last year? He had only seen me have ONE argument with his father overall - (another story for 'Siren Stories') ...
Then, within barely 365 days, he lost the only extended family he had known , first his cousin who was not even 16 put herself in a Psych ward, then his younger cousin had to move away. We stayed with his 'Aunty' to try to help her recover and get her life together - which he loved her so deeply - wanted her to be healthy and well - but then? She suffered a psychotic break that threatened basically our whole existence - but DEFINITELY threatened LP's the most.
It was the first time he had even known a person could hurt another person on this kind of a scale. He saw her actions as EVIL, and could hardly make sense of it.
From there - it just kept going - He met his Grandpa for the first time, and one of his real Aunties, he gave himself fully only for Grandpa to stab a knife in our back and Aunty to take his other 2 cousins and leave without a word- then he met ANOTHER Aunty and Uncle, again with hope and love in his heart - until - well Apples don't fall far from the tree- I think I'm starting to realize Divorce was inevitable...
AND THEN - after all that - we finally get back to TX - what we all know as our 'Happy Home' - but Trauma kept ripping through our family - I was unstable, his father just disappeared - provided no support - and when he did finally show up? He was exhibiting some of the most unhealthy, disrespectful behavior - LP had never seen ANYTHING like this.
In the course of just a year - he's had and lost so much? His beautiful heart that thought he was crazy for having 'too much emotion' at the age of 6?
Has pretty much turned stone cold with no expectation that humans are truly worth the positive energy a person can be capable of exerting.
OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS: Mild Generalized Anxiety ; Trauma
How trauma has effected LP:
My littlest man who used to love so deeply that even raising my voice out of frustration would cause a depth of sadness within himself, which he would then vow to do better and be better.
Gone is his selfless nature that pays more attention to how others feel nearly to a fault.
Gone is his belief that people can be trusted - he had never experienced distrust - and boy has he had a lot this year.
Gone was his strong - fighter Mom who always had an ear to lend and a kind, positive explanation regarding why people may act the way they do, and how we have to be the kind of person we can live with. I'd tell him repeatedly in his life, "In the end the only person guaranteed to be there for you until the day you die - is YOU - be someone you can live with..."
He watched as people completely ran over me - took advantage of my giving and understanding nature.
He watched them slowly suck every ounce of positivity he knew I was capable of - right out of my very soul- leaving me broken, distrusting, hurt and questioning if all the years I spent learning to understand people and giving them my heart - was ever worth it.
I know I definitely made him question that - if anything I'm sure part of his struggles right now come from watching me this last year and thinking, "OH HELL NO - I'm not gonna let people do to me what they did to Mom! She took it too far."
The problem is- at the age of 14? Scaling something of that nature back after living - at least the last 7 years inside of a magical fairy tale bubble? Not as easy as one would think.
It's more like an 'All or nothing' scenario for him - I believe right now? He would never fathom allowing himself to get that close to anyone - ironic really - because that's what losing my Mom at 12 taught me - no way I was ever going to love anyone enough that I would hurt that badly if I lost them ..... never again....
Yet here I sit - writing a campaign to ask for assistance from strangers - after loving my family - husband included - basically to a fault. Trusting that he would always have my back. Trusting that we were forever - I mean I always kind of figured he'd likely die before me as he doesn't make the healthiest life choices - but after 20 years of being a Trucker's wife and seeing him barely 100 days a year? I knew I'd survive.
Never did I need him in a way where our family's survival counted on it - at least not until I got to the village - and after 24 years - I said "I NEED YOU" and he said he was too busy ... and LP watched everything unfold from there.
He's had a front row seat at seeing me as my best self - he doesn't know the terror I was before I beat my childhood trauma - and changed not just my life - but the life our family, and in his mind he just can't even imagine why ANYONE would treat his mom they way he has seen them do in this last year.
I can only pray we continue on our recovery path to the best of our ability so I can not only have the time - but TAKE The time to now teach my littlest mini-me - what it means to come out the other side and STILL Be okay - STILL able to love to the exceptional depths I know our two hearts are capable of doing.
How LP is coping with his Trauma:
This one will be short - coping? I don't believe he is. I believe he is using video games to escape when he feels 'upset' - and if it's not video games it's off into some land of the make-believe.
Cold as ice if someone behaves in a manner that triggers him where he thinks they may be just like the other people he's encountered this year.
Now? In his mind more people are set with selfish bad intentions - and it can come out of NOWHERE - like it did with his father.
People are capable of BREAKING one another - and he never believed that could be a thing- for him Love could solve EVERYTHING.
My struggles this year have been so scary for him, he was the one there with me when my brain actually felt like it fractured and despite the one residual childhood trauma reaction I never kicked - which is a fear of police - he watched me dial 911, get handcuffed and taken to a Psych ward because my BRAIN felt like it just shattered into a thousand pieces.
And when it did? He watched NEARLY EVERYONE I have been willing to give whatever I can to? Just turn their back on me - and most of them left a dagger when they did so.
His faith in humanity is destroyed. I'm not sure if I will be able to teach and show him that it doesn't have to be this way. Overall we always kept our circle small anyhow - but I always believed I gave my best self to those who deserved it - only to have nearly EVERY SINGLE ONE of the most important people in my life completely flip and not give a single care when I, for one of the first times - was truly needing help and support ....
Outside of my family? ONE FRIEND - ONLY ONE - stuck by me - helped me selflessly and guided me to healing....
Only ... One.
LP's Greatest Worry:
I honestly don't think that LP has a lot of worries these days - considering you have to care to worry and he's so busy with trying to 'not give a damn' . So on that note? This section is about MY BIGGEST WORRY - after a year of hardly being able to function - almost killing myself - going to a psych ward, and being strong enough to understand that my marriage took an unhealthy turn and it doesn't matter how much I love - or loved my husband, if his toxicity will continue to poison me. It's finally reached a point where I have to choose - me or him..... Having not worked in more than 10 years- I won't be able to qualify for disability until the divorce is finalized as my husband makes too much money . The prospect of having to be committed to a scheduled job at this time petrifies me - I'm close - but I'm not sure I'm ready - but more importantly than that? After a year of me being so screwed up - and busting my butt to overcome the psychological ramifications of my experiences?
MY KIDS NEED THE MOM THEY KNOW RIGHT NOW - and balancing all their needs financially, physically , and emotionally? I'm TERRIFIED it may cause me to go backwards.
I like my plan of working for Uber - but my husband is gatekeeping funds from his job- taking them out of his check before he gets paid- so I can't even get the rental car for Uber- I truly believe at this point he just wants to break me worse - and keep me under his thumb one way or another no matter what the cost may be...
SO I WORRY - that I won't be able to juggle it all - I won't be able to help my kids heal now that I'm finally functionable on a mid-tier level for more days in a row than not. Now that I'm not basically susceptible to a form of spontaneous combustion if someone uses the wrong tone or word with me. Now that I'm not breaking every other day (because I stopped letting his father break me - because I HAD TO) - but I'm still not done - and how I am going to get us out the financial and emotional mess that surrounds us in the aftermath of our experiences? I have plans - but these days? It just feels like everything fights me - and what if .... what if .... .One day? My fight? Is just used up ....?
It's gotten so close this last year- lower lows than I have ever experienced - only to be forced to make the choice to let go of my greatest life investment - MY FAMILY - I have to give up now on what I thought it was - or what I thought it was going to be.
Those thoughts are now just pipe dreams - because in the end of the day - I was the only one I could 100% count on to be there for myself - and I DID IT TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY - but I can't stay on board when there is a leak and the other people in my life aren't even TRULY TRYING to fix the hole..... It's time to abandoned the ship - and all I can do is pray? That the life raft sustains me long enough to reach solid ground again - and finish being the Mom my kids know I can be - and the one they deserve to have.
Future Goals:
Well- one thing is sure- I do know know LPs future goals. He absolutely can not wait to get a job - his main goal in life is to be completely self-sustainable never 'needing' anyone .
It's EERILY parallel with my life at his age- what taught me to be the strong person I've been capable of being until this last year- I thought I had learned to love AND be that person - but turns out - I did as I always do - and took it too far the other way - learning psychology to a point where I understood people's behaviors and made excuses for them - not understanding that just because I knew WHY their brain caused them to exhibit the behaviors they were exhibiting - didn't mean that I had to ACCEPT those behaviors.
I believe LP may be more capable of finding the balance - but not without some guidance and love.
I absolutely believe he will find his way - get a job- take care of himself - the same way I did when I jumped out my window and began living on my own at the age of 15.
It wasn't necessarily a bad thing - but I PRAY LP's future allows him to do better- and BE better in this area that I was - having a balance of not trusting or relying on someone EVER to 'take care of' or 'be there' for you - but willing to let them in - rather than locking them out completely.
Ironic isn't it? The man I loved enough to WANT to be better, WANT to understand , WANT to change and heal enough so I could fully let him into my heart - is the same man, who 24 years later - showed me that maybe I never should have.....
But in the end? The real truth is? I had nearly 10 years of what I thought was a fairy tale- where there was love and happiness always in my heart even in the midst of chaos -
I hope Lp's future finds a balance that allows him to have both - loving enough to feel that comfort and happiness but not blind enough to ignore signs that it may not be what one thinks it is....
